Tumbling down the Rabbit Hole....

Does it ever seem funny that when you begin most journeys you usually know exactly where you will end up. Some people plan their trip down to the minute and calculate the miles it takes to get from point A to point B. Many will let the winding road drag them through vastly different terrain and marvel and the hidden treasures the untraveled path is. Still others stand in the middle of their path, looking around themselves and wondering where they are or where they were going. 'How did I get here' they will wonder, 'why am I here all alone and with no direction?' they might ask. How are they to know if it is better to go forward on this road, or backwards. Maybe the best course is to take another path, or wait for someone to come along to give aid. 

I am stuck in the middle of a road, one that I was not really warned of. Perhaps friends and family whispered warnings and advice, but I wonder where I was during those times. I only heard two singular voices in my mind. My own, madly in love and oblivious to all but HIM, and HIS voice of love, reasoning, and support. HIS voice of logical answers and mumbled encouragement and hope, fighting my fears away.. I heard myself shrug away the fears and jealousy, the whatifs in favor of HIS strength and my undying love. 

I am 25 years old. Divorced and remarried to my high school crush. I am tall semi athletic, tall, blonde hair blue eyes. I was a model at 17 and quit to go to school as a horse trainer at 19. I was married for 3 years to a man that didnt know how to love me, though he enjoyed pornography behind my back.  I left him when I was 23. I didnt have children with him because I knew our marriage was failing since the day we can home from our honeymoon. I was married in the LDS temple. Three years of heartache I left and was ready to try and find my fairytale ending.. the one I had been cheated out of. I am married to HIM, my soulmate. I didnt believe in finding THE ONE. Yet he found me. HE was married for 3 years. SHE is beautiful, the ex. They had a fairytale life, or so it seems to me. They had a child, a daughter fairly soon into their marriage. She is 4. I am married to a man with a 4 year old daughter, HIS little girl. EX is beautiful, and HIS daughter is beautiful, just like EX. I dont like children. I dont know if I will ever have children of my own.. especially not now. I feel second to HIS past, HIS EX, HIS daughter... I HATE HIS daughter for being first. I HATE myself.. she is only 4 years old. I want HIM all to myself. I told HIM I would try to be a good STEPMOM. I do try, but most often I hide. HIS daughter clings to him. I want to cling to him. HE is in between two forces that will pull him apart. I should be stronger then this. I am ruining our marriage of only 9 months. 

When do you decided to change who you are inside? How do you decide to change how you feel at the most basic level of your heart and soul. I want HIM. I love HIM. I dont know how I could live without HIM. However this is what is in the makings.. A life without HIM and HIS past, EX, daughter, and all. I dont know how to try. A couple of hours is all that I am capable of, and its not enough for HIM. HE wants to talk to her all the time, visit all the time. We dont have the money right now, so if HE cant do these things HE is guilty and miserable. I want to be enough for HIM. I am not soft towards HIM when he talks to HIS daughter. It sets me off when he calls her HIS little girl... why?!?!?! I hate hearing HIS EX's name.. I see HER face in HIS daughters eyes. I hear HER voice when HIS daughter speaks. I will never be first with HIM.

HE is a good man. Kind, thoughtful, loving, dedicated, As a man HE is all I have ever dreampt about my whole life. I thought I gave up on fairytale ending.. I should have. One day we are on cloud 9, so in love and ready for the future and our life together. We make plans and have dreams and we laugh and live to the fullest. Then, SHE rears her ugly head and sends an email about wanting an adoption for HER new hubby, or documents for child support, or that HE must sign papers so HIS daughter can have a passport to move to Canada with HER and HER new hubby. SHE continues to chew HIM up and spit him out. HE is no longer dad to HIS daughter, first name basis now. I get to weather all this with HIM.  I am so very protected of HIM but it was HIS choice to be in this situation, to be a father that is there for everything when its obvious HIS EX is trying to erase HIM from the picture. It would be best for me if SHE could but I cant let HER do it to HIM, HE would die. So would I...

This road I travel is scary and I dont know what in the world I am doing. I dont know what I want, not really. I feel the battle of two desires raging inside me. I wnat HIS daughter gone from my life so I can start a family with HIM. No, I want HIM to have connection with HIS daughter, cause without it he would never be happy with me. Where is the balance... and why does it have to be within me?! Why do I have to live through his past, day after day after day? How do I divide the light from the dark? I made the choice, knowing full well HE had a child. It has changed somehow within me. This knowledge now festers in my heart. I brought this upon myself. Upon HIM, HIS daughter.. He says it will always be there, HE doesnt give me support or uplifting words of encouragement anymore. We both know they are hollow now... So I will continue to trudge down this darkened path and search for light, within myself, within HIM, anywhere.. before the end finds me.