breathe

I hate this overwhelming pressure in my chest. Its like I cant even think certain thoughts without 

a tightness in my stomach, shallow breathing, heart pounding. 

I dont want my step daughter to call me Afton in front of my kids... if I have them.

I didnt know my mom's name for years, I was young and naive of course, but that shouldnt matter. I dont know why it bothers me so much, I dont have kids and wont for a while. But something about it frustrates me, saddens me, lessens something about being a parent.. About me someday being a Mom. It makes me feel like once again, The Ex gets everything and I get her broken left over world.. She is pretty much starting over, and I will be left to deal with her decisions forever.. How do I tell my husband that?

I cant imagine having children right now.

Every time my husband see one he lights up. 

I am taking that light and joy out of his life, until he sees his daughter. 

Its like he is finally happy again, it looks like I keep him from being truly happy. He LOVES children, he laughs and plays with them. Its obvious to me that he wants one more and more. 

I am holding him back from being happy.

How can I explain what it feels like to know without a doubt that he isnt really happy and complete until he talks to his daughter. To know that YOU dont do that for him. I am the one who makes him stressed and worried, and she is pure bliss and cuteness. 

I dont want a girl... ever.

I grew up with all brothers and I loved it. I have always gotten along with boys better than girls. Even before I met my husband I have always wanted a baby boy.

Now I cant imagine ever wanting a girl.

Will mine be as cute, smart, pretty, or perfect as his is?

Will her hair be as long and naturally gorgeous as his little girl's is?

Will she be as quick witted at such a young age?

Will she talk and walk before most babies like his did?

Why do I fell like it is a competition? It feels so wrong and yet I cant help think about it. Oh, thats right, cause if my child isnt as cute, perfect, etc as his then we will know that it was Him and his Ex wife who made better children.. Namely his Ex being beautiful and that transferring into her beautiful daughter...

I am sick right now. I feel a little out of control of my emotions and have completely distanced myself from everyone today. They are all upstairs watching a movie.. August Rush. I cant watch it, I am too sensitive to the children, the need and desperation in the mother's eyes as she tries to find her child. That passion seems to burn me, I cant seem to be around it, I react to it. I am angered and repulsed by it. Why? 

Why do I write these things into cyber space..

no one will hear me, there are no answers to be found.

I thought that writing might relieve me, but it just makes my anxiety stronger

the unanswered questions that much harder

the loneliness that much deeper 

the conflicts so much darker..

How much times does it really take to make it through? Things are looking up in our relationship, going to counseling and seeking help. Trying to find a new way to look at my life and my emotions that are tied to my step daughter and her mother.. There is so much about being a stepmom that scares me, makes me believe that my life will never be my own. I have often felt like a side note to his relationship with his ex wife and their little girl. Jealousy has taken a hold of me in the worse ways. I want to be his one and only and I know that I come very short of that desire. Often I realize that if he had been able to stay with his ex, he would have been happier and more fulfilled. He wouldnt have been ripped form his daughter, from being a father, from a marriage that would have been first. Isnt it interesting how much worth we put on the first marriage... I cant imagine how OUR marriage will ever been as good as his was. He was blissfully happy with her for almost 4 years before she left him. The ties that they created, having a child, marrying in the temple, etc, are still lasting! They arent the same as they were obvioulsy, but he lost so much in that divorce.. Here we are trying to recreate something that was 'right' the first time. 


My own past was hard, at best. I thought I was doing everything right, mostly.. I became too physically attached to my ex husband, and that made me believe he was the one for me. How stupid I was. Three years of sadness, longing, heartache, rage, self loathing, and suffering. I always wanted more, more love, more attention, more sweet moments. I was married to a man that had checked marriage off his list and was moving on to the next thing. I was blinded, I discovered that the man I had married wasnt who I thought he was. He was distant, self contained, driven, seemingly emotionless, and unable to show love through physical touch. I felt like I was barred from the life that I had always dreampt of. Lost in a marriage that I had committed my life to, and was trapped by. When I left, after years of trying, raging, crying, sinking, I finally felt like the sky was the limit. I had learned what I needed and wanted from life and especially marriage. How is it then, that I couldnt see what I was getting into with my Husband? I thought I knew all the pit falls, which is a joke. He has a child, a BEAUTIFUL ex wife and then me. I know those things that he fell in love with in me. Many seem to be fleeing, in light of all the trials and expectations of not only a step mom but as the second wife. I am clinging to him and in doing so am pushing him away. He needs a confidant woman, full of fire and beauty, an independent woman who can go off for a night with the girls or be fine at home while he goes out with the boys, a woman who loves children, a woman who is strong spiritually and knows where she is going in life. Not a woman who doesnt want to be left alone for a day, who gets jealous when he is out with his friends as she sits at home alone cause she doesnt have girlfriends, a woman who has no idea what she wants to do with her life, who doent want kids. I cringe when they are around me, sometimes out of fear and other times out of stress. Why, I dont know, I never LOVED kids but I didnt get such anxiety around them like I do now... Does this sound like the kind of woman he wants to be with? No. 


I feel less and less like I should be with him, and obviously its destroying my self confidence. Thankfully counseling is helping our marriage in the whole step family area, calming my fears with his daughter.. a little. However, I begin to sink again into self loathing, and its not attractive. How can I expect him to love me like this? How can I ever really feel like a part of his life around his daughter. How can I possibly survive hearing about his past before me? How can I be ok with hearing from his Ex all the time, from either family members or his daughter, or just having to deal wit her? How can our marriage possibly be as important as his first? It was lovely, ours is dysfunctional. 


I am jealous and angry, good at beating up myself and raising his Ex on a pedestal. Now what?