breathe

I hate this overwhelming pressure in my chest. Its like I cant even think certain thoughts without 

a tightness in my stomach, shallow breathing, heart pounding. 

I dont want my step daughter to call me Afton in front of my kids... if I have them.

I didnt know my mom's name for years, I was young and naive of course, but that shouldnt matter. I dont know why it bothers me so much, I dont have kids and wont for a while. But something about it frustrates me, saddens me, lessens something about being a parent.. About me someday being a Mom. It makes me feel like once again, The Ex gets everything and I get her broken left over world.. She is pretty much starting over, and I will be left to deal with her decisions forever.. How do I tell my husband that?

I cant imagine having children right now.

Every time my husband see one he lights up. 

I am taking that light and joy out of his life, until he sees his daughter. 

Its like he is finally happy again, it looks like I keep him from being truly happy. He LOVES children, he laughs and plays with them. Its obvious to me that he wants one more and more. 

I am holding him back from being happy.

How can I explain what it feels like to know without a doubt that he isnt really happy and complete until he talks to his daughter. To know that YOU dont do that for him. I am the one who makes him stressed and worried, and she is pure bliss and cuteness. 

I dont want a girl... ever.

I grew up with all brothers and I loved it. I have always gotten along with boys better than girls. Even before I met my husband I have always wanted a baby boy.

Now I cant imagine ever wanting a girl.

Will mine be as cute, smart, pretty, or perfect as his is?

Will her hair be as long and naturally gorgeous as his little girl's is?

Will she be as quick witted at such a young age?

Will she talk and walk before most babies like his did?

Why do I fell like it is a competition? It feels so wrong and yet I cant help think about it. Oh, thats right, cause if my child isnt as cute, perfect, etc as his then we will know that it was Him and his Ex wife who made better children.. Namely his Ex being beautiful and that transferring into her beautiful daughter...

I am sick right now. I feel a little out of control of my emotions and have completely distanced myself from everyone today. They are all upstairs watching a movie.. August Rush. I cant watch it, I am too sensitive to the children, the need and desperation in the mother's eyes as she tries to find her child. That passion seems to burn me, I cant seem to be around it, I react to it. I am angered and repulsed by it. Why? 

Why do I write these things into cyber space..

no one will hear me, there are no answers to be found.

I thought that writing might relieve me, but it just makes my anxiety stronger

the unanswered questions that much harder

the loneliness that much deeper 

the conflicts so much darker..